So this was meant to be a nice easy task. It all started at Jacko & Vicky's wedding after a bottle of wine & a few too many vodkas. I got talking to Zoe at the bar, and we were discussing the cake I'd made a few days earlier. Even though she was completely impressed with my first class decorating job, she said she was slightly disappointed in me for using a packet mix and not doing it all from scratch. Her comments echoed the comments that had been left on my blog, and although I was completely satisfied with my cake baking experience I decided I should move things up to the next level. I was better than a packet mix, & with the skills I'd honed while baking that cake I felt I could easily rival Fanny Craddock. The drunken conversation continued with me telling Zoe how I was going to bake a world class cake that would taste so divine that the sensation of one bite would rival an orgasm. It would be a cake that would be talked about in hushed reverence all over the world, & Jamie Oliver & Gordon Ramsey would be banging on my door begging me to let them serve it in their restaurants.  Well ok, so maybe it wouldn't be quite that nice, but still, it would taste damn good.  By this point I'd already started planning my drunken domination of the world cake baking scene, when Zoe suggested maybe I try to keep things a little simpler to start with and why not make her a birthday cake!!! Well I was drunk, and never one to turn a challenge down when I'm drunk, I agreed. The task was set: I had 4 weeks in which to learn how to bake a cake so that I could turn up at Zoe's party with the best cake she'd ever seen.

Of course, these things seem a good idea when you're drunk, but once I'd sobered up I'd lost the enthusiasm a little and put the idea to the back of my mind. Four weeks was quite a while away and there would be plenty of time to learn to make the perfect cake. So the days started passing away, and then the weeks, and during that time & a few more drunken conversations, Chloe had somehow been roped in to helping me, and the simple sponge cake I had been planning had suddenly turned into a 5 tier cake that would rival any wedding cake!! Yep, I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I was now faced with a task that would seem daunting to an expert cake baker, let alone little old virgin baker me. Damn that wine!! Luckily disaster struck!! Chloe had to pull out of the project due to work commitments, and as good as my baking skills obviously are, it was agreed that a 5 tier was a little too much for one man to handle on his first time out. I was back to making a simple sponge.

A week before the party, Zoe turned up at the quiz with a selection of cake decorating books to give me an idea of the sort of thing she would be expecting. Now I was happy in the knowledge that I'd just be baking a simple Madeira sponge, but my plans for decorating it had been just to slap a bit of icing on top, and maybe a chocolate button or two, then stick a few candles in it. Zoe obviously had higher expectations. The books consisted of some of the most fantastic cakes I'd ever seen, they were more like works of arts that something you'd eat on your birthday. Each one was adorned by complex little sculptures made from icing, and must have taken the 'artist' hours of work to complete. One book even gave instructions about carving the sponge to achieve your desired shape. I mean, fuck!!! I hadn't realised that I'd be expected to be able to carve sponge into the shape of a castle, or a frog. I'm the guy that was so bad at art at school that I wouldn't have even been allowed to do it at GCSE if I'd have wanted to. The only sculpture I've ever made was a little vase at Oxhey which adorned my mum's dressing table for years. I'd literally got a piece of clay, stuck my thumb in it, and then painted it in multiple garish colours. Somehow I figured that a replica of that on top of Zoe's cake just wouldn't cut it.

I went away from the pub that night in a state of panic. I'd got a week not only just to learn how to bake, but to learn how to become a first class artist as well. It wasn't going to be an easy task! The next day I decided I needed help from an expert, so popped back up to the Meg to speak to Danni. Now as well as being an artist she's also a veteran cake baker, and the perfect person to give me a bit of advice where to start. We sat together looking through the books and made a list of ingredients that I'd need. We also had to make a list of utensils that I'd need! It won't come as a big surprise to most of you that all that my kitchen generally consists of is a few plates and dishes and some knives, forks and spoons. You definitely wouldn't find a mixing bowl, blender, or rolling pin in there. Mick had been sat with us while we were discussing everything, and had been laughing to himself at all the equipment I had to go out and buy. He suggested that instead of wasting my money why didn't I just make it in the pub kitchen as they'd have everything I need. It was agreed! On Wednesday night after Nomi had finished cooking I'd take over in the kitchen and cook up the best cake the world had ever seen!

So the next day I went off to Tesco to get my ingredients and later that night headed to the Meg. When I arrived, Nomi had just finished cleaning the kitchen and it was all ready for me to use. I laid all my stuff out on the side and started to read the instructions....

Step 1) Preheat oven to gas mark 3 (160 degrees)

Ok that seemed simple enough, so I shouted over to Nomi to do it for me. Suddenly I saw her face drop..."Oh you need to know gas marks?! This is an industrial oven, and it's not got temperatures on it. It's either hot or hotter". Shit!! That didn't sound good. I hadn't even mixed my ingredients and I'd hit the first stumbling block. After much discussion, we decided to put the oven on the minimum setting hoping that it would be somewhere around Gas Mark 3.  Now that was sorted, it was down to the actual cake baking.

Step 2) Sift the flour and baking powder into a bowl. Add all the other ingredients and mix together. Beat with an electric whisk at high speed for one minute.

How easy was this! It seemed even a monkey would be able to follow these instructions without going wrong. Unfortunately I'm not a monkey, and what was even more unfortunate was that nobody could find the sieve, and the electric whisk appeared to be broke. Shit!! At least scientist's performing experiments with Monkeys would provide them with the correct equipment for the task. I was going to have to make do with ignoring the bit about sieving, and using a fork and my hand to mix the ingredients in place of the high speed electric whisk!! Not the best start at all!! I'd have to make the most out of the situation though, so got to work with my manual mixing. After about 5 minutes the ingredients looked thoroughly mixed and I tipped them in the cake tin and popped it into the oven. I decided the bottom shelf of the oven would probably be best as it felt slightly hotter than 160 degrees. Sorted!! Now I could relax. The book listed the baking time as 1hr 45mins so I cud go and sit and watch the football, while perfection was being created in the oven! I got myself a pint and went back out into the pub.

All of the ingredients are ready to mix

Check out my mixture!!

Whisking away. Didn't realise what was on the apron when i put it on!

Ready to go in the oven.

15 minutes later Chloe came over to me. "The cakes looking great" she said, "it must almost be ready".

"What do you mean" I replied, "It's only been in for 15 minutes, I wouldn't expect much to have changed yet".

"Well, it's looking done to me. You should go check on it".

We both went into the kitchen and opened the oven door. Surely enough, the cake had risen and was looking pretty spot on. Having never baked a cake before I didn't know if this was normal or not, so just assumed it was, shut the doors and went back out into the pub.  Ten minutes later Zoe and Lou had come in and I was busy telling them how well it was going when Zoe suddenly stopped me. "It shouldn't have risen like that in 15 minutes" she said, "Are you sure the ovens not too hot".  Shit!! I dashed back into the kitchen to check it again, and quickly opened the oven doors.  My face dropped, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. Well actually I couldn't even see what I was looking at as too much smoke was billowing from out of the oven! After a few seconds it started to clear, and there was my cake. Or should I say, a black lump of charcoal that sort of resembled a cake. Fucking typical!! My first ever cake I'd made from scratch and the pub oven had decimated it in less than 30 minutes. I felt like crying.

As black as black can be

The inside hadn't even cooked so why was the outside so black

To be continued.....